Approaching Death

When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, the temple community and rabbi seek to be supportive in a variety of ways. We know that no one can know for certain the time of death. Some individuals live well beyond the expectations of doctors and clinicians; others leave us unprepared for the end.

Your medical team will likely urge you to review health care proxies and medical directives at this time. Working together as a family may be challenging, yet essential. At the very least, key family members should be aware of these directives prior to making these difficult decisions.

The Chesed Committee helps families in need by providing meals and other supports such as transportation. The rabbi will make every effort to visit, offer prayers, provide spiritual and practical guidance, and notify other community members as the family wishes.

The end of life is also an opportune time to think about one's legacy. Jewish tradition offers the notion of writing an ethical will — a record of one's personal beliefs and values for surviving loved ones. The rabbi can help write or dictate such a document. Families may also use this time to make audio or video recordings — treasures for generations to come.

It is a great gift to sit with someone who is dying. You might read poetry aloud, play their favorite music, listen to whatever they have to say, or simply sit quietly. You might assure your loved one that it is okay to "go" — that you and your family will be fine.

When Death Seems Imminent

Often, a hospital, nursing home, or hospice will provide chaplains who can assist with end-of-life questions. Our rabbi may also be present to discuss pressing issues from a Jewish and ethical perspective — DNR orders, decisions to discontinue life support, organ donation (considered a positive mitzvah in many interpretations of Jewish law, as it may save a life).

The rabbi may offer to recite customary deathbed prayers, with the family surrounding the one who is dying in a loving atmosphere. Though family members may feel pressed to begin planning, Jewish tradition urges us to respect the living and not rush to greet their demise. Exercise sensitivity regarding funeral details while the person is still alive.

Baruch Dayan Ha-emet The Moment of Death

Jewish tradition offers us a phrase for the moment when one hears of a death: Baruch dayan ha-emet — "Blessed is the True Judge." This phrase expresses helplessness, questioning, wonder, reverence, and even despair. Our congregation uses these words to announce a death in our community.

The first mitzvah of caring for the dead is kevod hamet — respect for the body. Jewish tradition encourages us not to leave the dead alone, even after the last breath. If you are present at the death, be sure to take the time to absorb what has happened and what you have witnessed.

When a death occurs, a health professional must declare the person deceased and issue a death certificate. Your first step is to inform the funeral home. You will need to supply the deceased's English and Hebrew names, date and place of birth, social security number, names of immediate family members, and place of burial and shiva locations.

Aninut Between Death and the Funeral

The period between death and the funeral is a time of limbo. Jewish mourning customs — including the recital of Kaddish — do not officially begin until after burial. For this reason, Jewish tradition encourages minimizing this period and arranging the funeral within a day or two.

Working with the Funeral Home

Our community encourages families to work with a local Jewish funeral home. The home will guide you in the traditions of kevod hamet. Ritual preparations typically discussed with the funeral director include:

• Shemira (watching over the body) — It is never our custom to leave the deceased alone. Members of the chevra kadisha (religious burial society) can sit with the body, reciting psalms. Family and friends may also participate.
• Tahara (ritual washing) — The chevra kadisha performs the rites of washing the body and dressing it in tachrichim — simple white shrouds that recognize the equality of all in death.
• Tallit/Tsitsit — In some traditions, one is buried in their personal tallit. If so, one of the tsitsit is cut to diminish the holiness of the garment. Others hand the tallit to a family member.
• The Casket — The traditional "plain pine box" reflects the belief that all are equal in death and that the body should return naturally to the earth. Some families choose a slightly more aesthetic wooden casket that maintains this religious sensibility.
• Obituary — The funeral director will assist in placing an obituary and announcing any charitable donations requested in memory of your loved one.

Talking to the Rabbi and Informing HBT

No matter what type of loss has occurred, the rabbi will be available to help you navigate Jewish practices of burial and mourning as well as the psychological impact of grief. Please contact the temple in any case — even if the funeral takes place out of town — so that the community can be informed. Comforting mourners is a fundamental responsibility of a Jewish community.

Planning the Funeral Service

The rabbi will meet with you and as many family members as possible to help plan the funeral. A general outline of a funeral service may include: psalms, prayers, poems and music, eulogies from close family or friends, a eulogy by the rabbi, Psalm 23, El Malei Rachamim (memorial prayer), and the escorting of the casket by pallbearers. A funeral service will generally take 20–30 minutes and sometimes up to an hour.

Children at the funeral: Deciding whether a child attends is an individual decision. Some children only attend the funeral but not the cemetery. Facing death as a regular part of life by attending a funeral can help children learn that death is not something to fear.

Levayah The Purpose of the Funeral

The Hebrew word for funeral is levayah — "accompanying." The purpose of the funeral is to escort the deceased to their final resting place with dignity and respect. The task of grieving is the mourner's most important role at the funeral.

Kriyah Ritual Tearing

Just before the funeral service, principal mourners perform kriyah — a ritual tearing that expresses how we feel a tear in the fabric of our lives. The common practice among liberal Jews is to tear a black ribbon that is pinned to the clothing. The ribbon is worn for the seven days of shiva (removed for Shabbat) and then discarded.

Kevurah Burial — Placing Earth on the Grave

The essential act of burial is kevurah — placing earth on the grave after the casket has been lowered. This is considered one of the greatest mitzvot, known as chesed shel emet — an act of kindness for which we cannot be thanked or repaid.

The sound of earth hitting the box may be jarring; however, it is considered an intimate and loving act — like a parent tucking a young child into bed. We want to be the ones to cover the grave, preferring not to leave this to a stranger's hand.

One need only take a small mound of earth on the shovel. By tradition, replace the shovel into the earth rather than passing it from one hand to the next. After the principal mourners and close family have participated, all in attendance may be invited to take part.

Nichum Avelim Comforting the Mourners

As we turn from the grave, our focus shifts to nichum avelim — comforting the mourners. Attendees form two parallel lines, symbolically embracing the mourners as they leave the grave.

It is customary to wash one's hands upon leaving the cemetery. When entering the shiva house immediately following the funeral, a pitcher, bowl, and towels are usually placed at the doorstep for this purpose.

Jewish Cemeteries

Our community uses cemeteries in Sharon, Woburn, West Roxbury, and Wayland. If the family does not have a plot, the funeral home can assist in acquiring one. Traditionally Jewish cemeteries were for Jewish use only; however, there is now cemetery space for interfaith families where non-Jewish and Jewish family members may be buried side by side.

Shiva The First Stage of Mourning — Seven Days

Shiva is related to the Hebrew word sheva, meaning seven. It begins immediately following burial and is a precious opportunity to stop our lives to honor our loved ones, experience grieving, and receive comfort. Mourners do not go to work or school and generally do not leave the house.

No matter how one felt about the deceased, one cannot predict how grief will manifest itself. Three days is a recommended minimum; some choose to observe all seven.

Rituals for Mourners During Shiva

• A seven-day candle (provided by the funeral home) is lit upon returning from the cemetery. Place it in a safe location on a surface that can stand sustained heat.
• The first meal is the Seu'dat havra'ah (Meal of Condolence), ideally provided by the community or non-mourning relatives. Round foods — eggs, lentils — serve as a reminder of the cycle of life.
• Many Jews cover the mirrors in the shiva home — mourners should not worry about appearances during this period.
• Families often display photos and mementos of the deceased for others to see and share memories.
• Mourners may sit on low stools as a sign of their low spirits. Leave the door unlocked or ajar, if comfortable, so visitors can enter without knocking.
• Mourners set the tone — being quiet, speaking about the deceased, or not. Mourners may excuse themselves at any time, take a rest, or ask people to leave.

Shiva Call Etiquette

Remember: mourners are not hosts, and you are there to comfort them however they wish to be comforted.

Minyan at the Shiva Home

HBT can provide books and kippot for a service at the home during shiva. While we call it a "shiva minyan," it is a regular service that allows mourners to say Kaddish in their homes. Our community usually holds it in the evening, though some families prefer a morning service. HBT can provide a leader for the service, including English readings alongside the Hebrew prayers. It is our custom for mourners to say a few words about the deceased at the end of the service.

Getting Up From Shiva

On the morning of the seventh day (or last day of your observance), the mourner takes a symbolic walk around the block, transitioning from sitting indoors to returning to the world. Others may join this walk. This is also the time to remove and discard the kriyah ribbon. In the Reconstructionist mourning booklets you will find words to say upon ending shiva.

Sheloshim The Second Stage — Thirty Days

The next stage of mourning, sheloshim (meaning thirty), encompasses the first thirty days since burial. Although mourners return to work and regular routines, grief is honored by avoiding parties, concerts, or other celebrations. Some Jews do not wear new clothes until the end of sheloshim.

This is a good time to come to the temple — for the weeknight minyan or on Shabbat — to say Kaddish with the community. To mark the end of thirty days, you may choose to speak a few words at the weeknight minyan or visit the loved one's grave.

Special Rules: Shabbat and Holidays

Mourning is not observed on Shabbat (from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday). During shiva, one removes the black ribbon and may attend services, though one should not accept an honor.

Traditional practice suspends all mourning when a major Jewish holiday arrives (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Pesach, Shavuot). Since grief does not depart so easily, our community practice is to continue mourning rituals after the holiday. Speak to the rabbi to make appropriate arrangements.

Past the first thirty days, life may go on but Jewish ritual suggests a subdued approach. Some choose to avoid parties for a full year; others may decline honors at Shabbat services. Still others decide that it is most appropriate to enjoy the things the loved one enjoyed, including celebrations.

Grief can take many forms and lead in many directions. Be attuned to birthdays and anniversaries, holiday times and special occasions when the loved one's absence will be felt most keenly. Take time for grief; take time for yourself.

Saying Kaddish

Saying Kaddish provides a regular way to balance living in the present while holding onto grief. One purpose is to honor the memory of the deceased in a public way; another is to feel the company of one's community during mourning.

• When mourning a child, spouse, or sibling: sheloshim marks the official end of the Kaddish obligation, though one may continue beyond this period.
• When mourning a parent: it is customary to say Kaddish for 11 Jewish months — we end one month before the yahrzeit as a sign of compassion and confidence that our beloved parent has already returned well before the full year is complete.

HBT offers weeknight services twice a week in addition to Shabbat and encourages mourners to attend whenever possible. We do urge mourners to experience the warmth and comfort of community by saying Kaddish at a minyan.

Unveiling

Gathering the family to mark the grave with a stone offers another opportunity to acknowledge the finality of death and for family to support one another. Unveilings tend to be a brief, less somber ceremony — a few words are shared celebrating the life of the deceased, followed by lifting a gauze "veil" from the stone and reading the engraved text aloud.

Before leaving the cemetery, our custom is to leave a small stone on the marker as a sign that someone has visited the grave. Stones endure in ways that flowers do not, reminding us of the power of memory to live on after a death. Customs vary about timing, but most people choose between six months to a year after the death.

Yahrzeit The Anniversary of Death

The Yiddish word yahrzeit refers to the Hebrew date of death, which varies on the secular calendar from year to year. The most common ritual is to light a 24-hour yahrzeit candle. Many attend a service on the yahrzeit (or as close to the date as possible) to say Kaddish.

At HBT, the names of those with yahrzeits in the week to come — from Shabbat through the next Friday — are announced at Shabbat services. Other customs include visiting the grave and giving tsedakah in memory of loved ones.

Yizkor Memorial Prayers During Holidays

Deceased family members are also remembered at the memorial service known as Yizkor — recited following the Torah service on Yom Kippur, and on the seasonal holidays of Shemini Atzeret, Pesach (last day), and Shavuot (last day). Mourners also light yahrzeit candles and give tsedakah at Yizkor time.

HBT maintains lighted memorial plaques in the main sanctuary as a remembrance of members and their relatives who have passed away. Anyone may purchase a memorial plaque with a donation to the temple — contact the temple office or the rabbi for assistance.